Together We Cross the River

Last night was my first rock concert. Ever. That's right. I'm 31 years old, nearly 32 and this was it.

I had the pleasure of seeing Puscifer live at the Spreckels Theatre in San Diego with my brother and our boy Heikki. The 3 of us lived together for a few months on Robinson Ave. back in 2006 and we were back in full force. I'd only heard a few Puscifer songs but when Heikki invited me to take his extra ticket on Halloween night I was all for it.

For those who've not heard of Puscifer, this is Maynard Keenan's newer group (or side project of Tool as some say). Maynard, Heikki, Albie and I are all from the same area in Northeast Ohio. It was only back in April when I finally opened my mind to Tool, following a paradigm shifting encounter with Chris, one of my former students who recommended listening. I bought Lateralis the next day and listened to it on repeat for 6 hours on my drive home. The next week I bought 10,000 Days and I was an official Tool fan, just like that, after all those years I'd opened my mind to something that sounded like heavy metal. All in due time.

The first part of the concert wasn't as interesting to me as the second half. By then I was so entranced into the music that I thought for sure I must be floating in it. Maynard's voice is so harmonically amazing. I think it's the overtones that send vibes of pleasure through my body. Part of the time I closed my eyes to take it all in kinesthetically. The music was vibrating in my heart, throat and third eye chakras. At one point I pulled my awareness out of the whole to realize just how heavy each piece of the music was, yet how very conscious it all came together. Maynard is a sound healer playing the rock artist. At the end of the concert, they played a new song that will be released next week: Humbling River. So beautiful it sent tingles all through my body and will surely keep me on pins and needles awaiting its release.

"...the hands of the many must join as One
together we cross the river..."

The message for me was something about the interdependence we have with one another in life. We cannot do it alone. Crossing the river of course is the ancient symbol of enlightenment. We need one another to survive, just as we need one another to evolve and realize our true nature.

I was buzzed from the concert for the next 24 hours. The next night my brother and Heikki went back for a second round. I was going to look up some friends but decided instead to spend the time on myself doing inner work from their sunroom. The moon was almost full and looked absolutely incredible in the sky tonight. There were some whispy, painted clouds parting the way for the moon to shine through in her brilliance, surrounded by a rainbow. Science says the halo around the moon is created by a refraction through hexagonal ice crystals in cirrus clouds. Mystics would say that it represents a promise of peace.

The short weekend with my bro was over before we knew it and I was leaving for Lake Elsinore to visit two dear friends of mine from my first trip to Peru. We hadn't seen each other since then--3 years now. Several times we'd try to meet up during my SoCal visits but it didn't work out until today. Karen and Evie prepared a spot in the yard for the dogs. Evie cooked a delicious vegetarian lunch. We reminisced and caught up. Karen and I started talking Peru and the salk'a work while Evie had client appointments. Karen was the one who introduced me to the world of Andean Mysticism. My connection to her and her partner goes much deeper still. A couple months before I met them on the Peruvian journey, I dreamed that a pair of women, one red head one brunette, showed up to rescue me in one of those spacey 80's hatchback cars, from the chaos occurring around me. In Peru, I met them and recognized their guiding presence as my Elders whom I've known for eons.

So here we were again today reconnecting after all these years and awakening new possibilities. I still had some confusion to resolve regarding the car accident 6 years ago and I mentioned it to Karen. What most concerned me was the loss of memory before the year 2000. I'd read Doreen Virtue's information about walk-ins and though everything she said resonated, part of me just could not believe such a thing had occurred in my life. There had to be another explanation why I was so drastically different before and after the car accident. Karen mentioned the shaman's initiation and very similar occurrences of loss of memory and drastic changes in personality and lifestyle that sometimes happen. She mentioned one shaman who had come down from his initiatory journey on the mountain and didn't recognize anyone in the community who was there to reintegrate him into the society in his new role. I remembered stories don Americo had told me about the q'ero shamans taking their initiatory journey up into the snow capped mountains in hopes of catching a bolt of lightening. A shaman would only be initiated if he was struck by lightening. And of course, only if he survived. I had chills of recognition as I recalled the Near Death Experience during the accident when I felt like I was struck by lightening twice--once to illuminate all of the pain I had experienced in a form of life review, and then again to experience the lightening bolt illuminate those same places in absolute ecstacy. Karen helped me fill in some huge holes in my experience. This understanding cleared up a tremendous amount of confusion that was blocking me from the next step on my journey. Looking at Karen in that moment with infinite gratitude, she became my mother and I her daughter and I know that part of her sadness was healed from losing her daughter so young. Here we were.

Back in 3D, 4.5 hours had passed and rush hour was nearing. I had to hit the road.

The dogs and I hit some big pockets of traffic trying to skirt around the LA area. At times they were sitting up looking around and looking at me like, are you freakin' serious? I didn't have the heart to tell them that it would be another 7 hours until we got home. At one point I was getting sleepy so I pulled out the leftovers Evie and Karen packed for me. I was surprised the dogs didn't catch on. I kept checking the rear view mirror thinking they'd be begging by now. And that's when I noticed the glow in the dark pair of eyes watching me. Charlotte's body was blending into the dark shadows of the nightfall and I couldn't make out her body. But those amber eyes are unmistakable. Of course she was eyeing me and the food. For a second she looked like a hawk. There was no way I was feeding her beans while traveling in an enclosed space. I already learned that on our drive to Muir Beach a couple months ago. The desert was smooth sailing on the return thankfully. The drive just seemed so much longer than the way down. Always a sign one isn't quite ready to return to the grind.

We got back to the Bay just before 1am. I unloaded some of the stuff from the car and left the rest for the next day. Got the dogs resettled at home as much as possible, and on my last trip back up the stairs from the car, I peaked in the mailbox. I didn't reach out and ask for help from a neighbor to get my mail while I was gone. There was a huge pile of letters on top of the ads and some catalogs. I rarely get mail but the owners of the house get a ton that never goes through the mail forwarding system. My hands were full and I was tired. I could only imagine that grabbing the pile of mail would surely be a disaster, slipping letters flying all around in the dark... so I decided to get the mail in the morning and closed up the box tightly. I fell asleep around 3am.

At 7.22am while boiling water for coffee, I ran down to the mailbox to grab the pile of mail. It was gone. All but the ads and 2 catalogs. Woah.

The weird thing is that the dogs didn't bark at all and usually they go nuts over the mailman or the sound of the box in general. Somebody was very cautious in getting the mail out. Either that or the dogs were so exhausted from the trip that they didn't care about the sound. Or perhaps they knew the person who stole the mail?

Thinking about someone so near to my house in the middle of the night kind of freaked me out for a bit so I let the dogs sleep inside the next couple nights. How crazy that whoever stole the mail did it the first night I was back (and my car was there) in over a week. From now on I'll ask for help and see if a neighbor or friend can get the mail for me when I'm away.

My neighbors invited me to dinner upon returning. We talked about the mail incident. Everyone immediately questioned the possibility of my ex. But why would he do such a thing? Most likely it was a desperate person trying to steal an identity or anything valuable that might be in there. They suggested I file a police report anyway and mention my ex, just in case.

Had some great laughs with the neighbors and I'm so grateful for the recent social interactions I've had with the people that live near me. They wanted to know about the dissolution of my relationship with my ex whom they met me with. Everyone said the same thing: "You guys seemed like such a strange couple. He was so unhappy about life and you are just so alive." Funny how people never tell you those things when you're living in it!

Both of the couples at dinner talked about how they met and how they got to where they are today. One couple has been together for 11 years and the other for about 7 and they now have a 2 year old child. I will miss them being nearby when I move in January, but I'm sure we'll keep in touch. Until then, I'm still looking for a roommate until the end of December.

I've been noticing an empty feeling since the return at home. What is it exactly? There is some kind of presence around that makes me feel uncomfortable. The night I returned, the light bulbs in the empty bedroom burned out. Both of them with a loud pop that made me jump and close the door quickly. The second night, the drainstopper in the bathroom sink was moved upside down and off to the side, just like my ex would do. I freaked out thinking that his ghost was there haunting me. But he's still alive, so that just can't be. And a couple nights later while walking the dogs, I distinctly saw a shadow figure of a male move behind a tree next to the sidwalk. I led the dogs into the street so we would be under the lights and farther from the tree. Charlotte was approaching with the same hesitancy as I. She must have sensed him too. I kept looking intently around the tree. There was nothing there. Or was there? Just then, the shadow figure jumped out from next to the tree and disappeared into the air. Certainly not from this dimension, but still enough to freak me out. What is going on??

Burned some more sage at home and lots of nag champa. Let the dogs sleep inside for a few nights to help my heart rest at peace. Mentioned my inquietude to my friend in LA about it and he said that his instinct was to tell me to come over there and let him protect me. Of course in our 3D world that was not possible, but in my multi-dimensional reality, instantly I felt his warrior presence around me and I felt safe. I decided to change the locks just in case my ex had kept a copy of the key. Since then I haven't sensed the darkness in the house and nothing strange has happened outside either.

Sometimes the hardest thing in life is to admit to ourselves that we need others not only for our physical survival but also to reach higher states of awareness. And so we can cross the great water together as One.